So if you read the last post you might of got out of it that I got played, got done dirty or what not. Really I don't know what to think about all of that.
But I was mad for over a week. I tried to just ignore the situation, I tried to deal with it by telling other people what happened. I wouldn't tell them the who what when where why and how. I'd just share some details to get it off my chest. It was wierd like I wasn't necessarily sad, I was just mad. Like a psycho.
So girl started texting me on Monday, it was feeling like things were gonna be alright. Trying to patch things up I guess. I showed up at her house and she started dissing me a little bit. One thing led to another and I eventually went off on her. She told me that she was testing me and I failed. So I told her she been failing all my tests.
The problem is I wasn't just name calling. I talked about how I could never trust her, how I thought she was bi polar. How she blames everybody else for her problems, talks bad about her friends and then I kept going. I went in on character defects, on her whole way of thinking. I spent two hours going off, and girl teared up twice during that and swung on me a couple of times during that. Luckily I'm fast as lightning and avoided getting hit haha..
I feel bad about doing that, I mean you can look at it like she deserved it, or she needed to hear it. But really I'm only here to uplift. It's really my fault for not checking girl, instead I was just holding back thinking that she was a distraction and letting everything go without saying anything. Because I thought I could make it until March and then when I go back home, it's like Peace B@@&h hahah, sorry.. When I caught feelings for the distraction that's when it all started getting messed up. I should never bring a girl down like that. Nobody deserves that.
So I went and got her flowers knowing my apology would fall on deaf ears. Sometimes you get so blinded by things that you can't pay attention, or you just act weird when your in that drama storm. I may have said some things I regret.
I could talk bad about somebody all day but really there's no point. If girl hurts me, or makes me feel really good, she's still doing more then anybody else. After the trial and after VK passed away I was just numb for months, I couldn't feel. Girl made me feel again. I'mma always love and respect her for that. She gave me something to look forward to, gave me inspiration, brought me back to life. And girl reminded me that I can pull females. I know that some people think I can just pull whatever I want, but that isn't true at all.. I never know how to get at them, and I never got love from the ones that I wanted.
I guess my confidence got upped a lot through everything. When I broke up with my ex people told me there were plenty of other fish in the sea.. I responded, But I'm from the river, and it's winter. I said I have to love myself before I could love anybody else. Right now I know that if I focus on myself, keep my head strong and my heart pure that everything else will work itself out. Good girls, bad girls, crazy girls, all types been showing me love I just been too drunk to notice hahaha.. Not really drunk in the sense of alcohol, I just haven't been here. Everyday I live, everyday is fun. :) :) Sorry for going in on you like that, you deserve much better.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Can't Sleep.. Too Psycho Part I
I'm writing this blog because right now I'm psycho, can't sleep, just really mad about something that happened.
I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are all responsible for who we become.
Where I'm from nobody had it easy growing up, we all had to go through a lot of hard times. Pretty much nobody had money when I was growing up. I've had to deal with a lot of things, but I've always known that there were other people who had it worse. I've seen people rise above everything, and other people let their past hold them back. I made a promise to myself that I'd never be a victim. I met a girl who was a true victim and she had it a lot worse then I did growing up, unthinkable things were done to her. I liked this girl a lot, and always tried to uplift her. We are all responsible for what we become.
I have a habit of burying my emotions, hiding my fears, and ignoring my demons. I've never been played before, and I don't know how to handle it. Right now I'm a psycho. Trying not to get carried away, cuz if I get carried away, who's gonna carry the weight?
From time to time we all ask what if.. In the situation with this girl, I'm asking what if.. She had a lover who passed away.. if he was still alive, would he get cheated on too?? What if.. What if.. Daddy never hit mom? What if.. What if P never did me wrong.. I can't ask what if.. I just have to appreciate everything for what it is.. But I catch feelings.. I ain't here cuz I fell down, I'm here cuz I got up. Some people can't get back up, I'm thankful for Dedication. I'm thankful that I always have something to look forward to. I'm thankful For the Fam. You have to appreciate everything for what it is, even if you don't know what it is, just live.
I'm hurt, kicked, beaten but not shattered. Everyday I live. Sometimes those buried demons, and emotions come out, I learned a while ago to not try to control what you feel. I've also learned that the details never matter. 2 of my best friends passed away, I've only accepted one of them as passing. People ask me about details, that doesn't matter.
I should be just mad that I got played, but right now I'm like those people, focusing on the details. The fact that I brought girl flowers, a Happy Birthday Card, Chocolates and some other stuff the same day, and I left and everything was good, then when I left.. Somebody else came through.. That's just details.. The details will drive you crazy, Fuck the details.
I know I'm wack for catching feelings, But I'll be alright.. Just have to focus on me, gotta sound good, look good, and be smart. If I keep my head strong and my heart pure everything will be alright. Just have to make it through the night, cuz every storm passes.
When things are out of your control you have to Fugheddaboutit.. Capiche?
I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are all responsible for who we become.
Where I'm from nobody had it easy growing up, we all had to go through a lot of hard times. Pretty much nobody had money when I was growing up. I've had to deal with a lot of things, but I've always known that there were other people who had it worse. I've seen people rise above everything, and other people let their past hold them back. I made a promise to myself that I'd never be a victim. I met a girl who was a true victim and she had it a lot worse then I did growing up, unthinkable things were done to her. I liked this girl a lot, and always tried to uplift her. We are all responsible for what we become.
I have a habit of burying my emotions, hiding my fears, and ignoring my demons. I've never been played before, and I don't know how to handle it. Right now I'm a psycho. Trying not to get carried away, cuz if I get carried away, who's gonna carry the weight?
From time to time we all ask what if.. In the situation with this girl, I'm asking what if.. She had a lover who passed away.. if he was still alive, would he get cheated on too?? What if.. What if.. Daddy never hit mom? What if.. What if P never did me wrong.. I can't ask what if.. I just have to appreciate everything for what it is.. But I catch feelings.. I ain't here cuz I fell down, I'm here cuz I got up. Some people can't get back up, I'm thankful for Dedication. I'm thankful that I always have something to look forward to. I'm thankful For the Fam. You have to appreciate everything for what it is, even if you don't know what it is, just live.
I'm hurt, kicked, beaten but not shattered. Everyday I live. Sometimes those buried demons, and emotions come out, I learned a while ago to not try to control what you feel. I've also learned that the details never matter. 2 of my best friends passed away, I've only accepted one of them as passing. People ask me about details, that doesn't matter.
I should be just mad that I got played, but right now I'm like those people, focusing on the details. The fact that I brought girl flowers, a Happy Birthday Card, Chocolates and some other stuff the same day, and I left and everything was good, then when I left.. Somebody else came through.. That's just details.. The details will drive you crazy, Fuck the details.
I know I'm wack for catching feelings, But I'll be alright.. Just have to focus on me, gotta sound good, look good, and be smart. If I keep my head strong and my heart pure everything will be alright. Just have to make it through the night, cuz every storm passes.
When things are out of your control you have to Fugheddaboutit.. Capiche?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My Running Story
So I ran into a girl yesterday, and she said that she seen me running. She was like "your so fast but you always talk bad about yourself and running." Like people might think that I suck or something..
The truth is, I ran for EWU, and that's a D1 program. Speed is relative, sure I was the man in high school. Didn't even have to try to win most races, pretty much number 1 or 2 in the area. I got 7th at 1-2-3A state in Cross country and like 14th in the 4A 2-mile and 1-mile. That's Alaska though.. I could say all day that I should of won state in cross, but I didn't.. I didn't try that day, just didn't push myself. That's the hardest thing you know, knowing I didn't finish a race tired. I had a game plan all year where I would go out hard, but at state I was afraid to take the lead so I hung onto second, and felt like I was in a daze as I slowly got passed by a few runners at a time.
I came out here to EWU my freshman year as a walk on, without doing any running the previous Summer at all. So I was just a redshirt. But I got better all year, and worked hard. Came on as our number 14 runner, and left my freshmen year as I'd say our number 6 or 7. Coach Dan Hilton always tried to break me my freshmen year. He'd say "Your not in High School anymore!!" Which was true, I went from being one of the best in my state to one of the worst on the team.. If I was getting beat by the rest of the team at practice he'd make me run with and pace the girls. That embarrassed the hell out of me. If I did good in a workout he'd ball the rest of the team out for letting me beat them. Instead of congratulating me for working hard, he'd be mad at everybody else.
At the end of my freshmen year he told me "Lose 10 pounds or your off the team." I said "Even if I'm top 5", and he said "Even if your top 5".. So I trained all Summer, and worked hard. I was training with a Kenyan who was ranked top 50 or 100 in the 1500 in the world. I had like 4.5% body fat, but I just didn't look anorexic enough I guess.
But coming back from my freshmen year my car broke down in Canada. So I couldn't make the tryouts, when I emailed coach telling him I'd be a week late. He told the rest of the team the next day at practice "Dru quit.." I guess I let my pride hold me back from forcing my way onto the track team for indoor which was just 3 months away. After that, I would still be training.. Until eventually I stopped running really. Started dating a short Italian girl, gained like 30 pounds.. And Then one day coach Dan Hilton quit.
After Hilton quit, people on the team started talking to me. Like you should make the mighty comeback. I mean I started feeling like a fat boy, and my brother L Moe would always talk to me when he had a few too many drinks in him. Like, "Your gonna look back and be like, I should of stuck with it." and then L Moe would start talking about his glory days of Skiing and what not haha.. So the next Summer I started training again. Got up to about 70 miles a week, but I was still feeling too heavy. I didn't really trust my legs anymore. I went to tryouts thinking I wouldn't make the team, and ended up with everybody like "Dam, Dru doesn't run for 2 years.. And then comes back faster then when he left.." I lost like 40 pounds in a couple of months, but I was losing muscle too. Because I was losing weight so fast.
I started PR'ing in every race, but didn't really know what I was doing. We don't really do track in Alaska, so when track came around I didn't really ever like it. I started getting good torwards the end, because I was going through the breakup. I would just go all out everyday in practice, hoping that the fatigue in my body would take some pain from my heart. I was kind of a psycho.
Nah scratch that I was hella psycho. But that Psycho made me get into real good shape.
The next year during cross I came back faster.. I'd hit my previous year's PR on slow courses. But I always want to be faster, and I still feel so new to running again, that I'd just be improving more and more every race. Learning new things, new tricks, new strategies all the time. I rarely ever walked away from a race happy, because I knew I could always do better. Or I'd pick apart where I could of did things differently.
Track season came, and like I said I'm not the biggest fan of track. But I started PR'ing everytime I raced. Won races against all of the smaller schools so I started gaining confidence. But at the same time I was mad that I didn't see competition good enough to get me a qualifying time to conference. I went into conference as a wild card, and PR'd again, in triple digit weather. I think it was around 105-107 when I raced. I was racing with people way faster then me, but I didn't let that heat or anything else get into my head. I know I'm only going to run as fast as I'm capable of running. That's how I relax, worst case scenario is I don't give it everything I have. My friends on the team were laughing like everybody was scared of the heat, and I'm dancing at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off.
When I look back at conference I can see my mistakes and pick them apart. Some wierd things happened that I hadn't seen all year, so I didn't know how to react. If I trusted my legs more I might have gone 10 seconds faster. But when all was said and done I PR'd in 105 degree weather. Ran D1 track for EWU, had a lot of fun, challenged myself, and learned a lot.
I still feel kind of robbed by Dan Hilton, and if I see him I might punch him in the face. But don't think I suck at running because I say I suck. Speed is relative. I always feel like I have something to prove.. You know, you go all out or be gone. I ain't here cuz' I fell down, I'm here cuz' I got up. Dedication. After my eligibility was up, I'd still be training. But Really I've only been doing like 2 or 3 races a year max. I think somewhere along the line I've gotten scared of losing. Like I said speed is relative. You can be the fastest person on the planet, one day. But the next day who knows how you are. You have to continue to test yourself, it's the only way to know where you are at.
Right now I'm working on slowly getting my miles up so I can get in a few big races this Summer. I've learned to relax and let your training do the talking on race day. Right now I'm running because well. I like to run. And yes, I've got something to prove.
Dru-P (Dominant Runner Under Pressure)
The truth is, I ran for EWU, and that's a D1 program. Speed is relative, sure I was the man in high school. Didn't even have to try to win most races, pretty much number 1 or 2 in the area. I got 7th at 1-2-3A state in Cross country and like 14th in the 4A 2-mile and 1-mile. That's Alaska though.. I could say all day that I should of won state in cross, but I didn't.. I didn't try that day, just didn't push myself. That's the hardest thing you know, knowing I didn't finish a race tired. I had a game plan all year where I would go out hard, but at state I was afraid to take the lead so I hung onto second, and felt like I was in a daze as I slowly got passed by a few runners at a time.
I came out here to EWU my freshman year as a walk on, without doing any running the previous Summer at all. So I was just a redshirt. But I got better all year, and worked hard. Came on as our number 14 runner, and left my freshmen year as I'd say our number 6 or 7. Coach Dan Hilton always tried to break me my freshmen year. He'd say "Your not in High School anymore!!" Which was true, I went from being one of the best in my state to one of the worst on the team.. If I was getting beat by the rest of the team at practice he'd make me run with and pace the girls. That embarrassed the hell out of me. If I did good in a workout he'd ball the rest of the team out for letting me beat them. Instead of congratulating me for working hard, he'd be mad at everybody else.
At the end of my freshmen year he told me "Lose 10 pounds or your off the team." I said "Even if I'm top 5", and he said "Even if your top 5".. So I trained all Summer, and worked hard. I was training with a Kenyan who was ranked top 50 or 100 in the 1500 in the world. I had like 4.5% body fat, but I just didn't look anorexic enough I guess.
But coming back from my freshmen year my car broke down in Canada. So I couldn't make the tryouts, when I emailed coach telling him I'd be a week late. He told the rest of the team the next day at practice "Dru quit.." I guess I let my pride hold me back from forcing my way onto the track team for indoor which was just 3 months away. After that, I would still be training.. Until eventually I stopped running really. Started dating a short Italian girl, gained like 30 pounds.. And Then one day coach Dan Hilton quit.
After Hilton quit, people on the team started talking to me. Like you should make the mighty comeback. I mean I started feeling like a fat boy, and my brother L Moe would always talk to me when he had a few too many drinks in him. Like, "Your gonna look back and be like, I should of stuck with it." and then L Moe would start talking about his glory days of Skiing and what not haha.. So the next Summer I started training again. Got up to about 70 miles a week, but I was still feeling too heavy. I didn't really trust my legs anymore. I went to tryouts thinking I wouldn't make the team, and ended up with everybody like "Dam, Dru doesn't run for 2 years.. And then comes back faster then when he left.." I lost like 40 pounds in a couple of months, but I was losing muscle too. Because I was losing weight so fast.
I started PR'ing in every race, but didn't really know what I was doing. We don't really do track in Alaska, so when track came around I didn't really ever like it. I started getting good torwards the end, because I was going through the breakup. I would just go all out everyday in practice, hoping that the fatigue in my body would take some pain from my heart. I was kind of a psycho.
Nah scratch that I was hella psycho. But that Psycho made me get into real good shape.
The next year during cross I came back faster.. I'd hit my previous year's PR on slow courses. But I always want to be faster, and I still feel so new to running again, that I'd just be improving more and more every race. Learning new things, new tricks, new strategies all the time. I rarely ever walked away from a race happy, because I knew I could always do better. Or I'd pick apart where I could of did things differently.
Track season came, and like I said I'm not the biggest fan of track. But I started PR'ing everytime I raced. Won races against all of the smaller schools so I started gaining confidence. But at the same time I was mad that I didn't see competition good enough to get me a qualifying time to conference. I went into conference as a wild card, and PR'd again, in triple digit weather. I think it was around 105-107 when I raced. I was racing with people way faster then me, but I didn't let that heat or anything else get into my head. I know I'm only going to run as fast as I'm capable of running. That's how I relax, worst case scenario is I don't give it everything I have. My friends on the team were laughing like everybody was scared of the heat, and I'm dancing at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off.
When I look back at conference I can see my mistakes and pick them apart. Some wierd things happened that I hadn't seen all year, so I didn't know how to react. If I trusted my legs more I might have gone 10 seconds faster. But when all was said and done I PR'd in 105 degree weather. Ran D1 track for EWU, had a lot of fun, challenged myself, and learned a lot.
I still feel kind of robbed by Dan Hilton, and if I see him I might punch him in the face. But don't think I suck at running because I say I suck. Speed is relative. I always feel like I have something to prove.. You know, you go all out or be gone. I ain't here cuz' I fell down, I'm here cuz' I got up. Dedication. After my eligibility was up, I'd still be training. But Really I've only been doing like 2 or 3 races a year max. I think somewhere along the line I've gotten scared of losing. Like I said speed is relative. You can be the fastest person on the planet, one day. But the next day who knows how you are. You have to continue to test yourself, it's the only way to know where you are at.
Right now I'm working on slowly getting my miles up so I can get in a few big races this Summer. I've learned to relax and let your training do the talking on race day. Right now I'm running because well. I like to run. And yes, I've got something to prove.
Dru-P (Dominant Runner Under Pressure)
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